3 years old and without a dad

never thinking you'll see him again

young and confused not knowing what was going on

all you had left were memories and photos that would lead you on

years down the road your memories fade

pictures become strangers and toys become anger

why did he have to leave you then

all alone and without a friend

years later news spreads

your dads living in an apartment 30 minutes away

close to your grandmas where you always used to stay

eleven years old thinking how could this be

my dad's gone he left me

you meet him and he begins to cry

he's a stranger but he has your eyes

you soon break down in tears

thinking of the past and all the lost years

i've learned forgiveness it makes me stronger

and in the long run I have a father...

This was a poem I wrote in middle school, when I finally found my father. Forgiveness… I ended the poem speaking of forgiveness and that I had forgave him.

But I hadn't , I wanted to, I thought I could, but I'm 25 now and I still don't have a relationship with him. I can attest it to several things… I'm stubborn, I'm broken… Imagine having your heart broken when you were 3 years old it'll never be whole again because the one man that was never supposed to leave you… did! Then I feel anger because my father never looked for me, I searched for him, he never reached out to me, I reached for him. And the relationship that I tried to build back when I was 11 was only being built by me.

How can you reminisce on the things you've never done?

How can you hate someone that you never knew?

How can you miss something that you never had? - Yet these are the feelings i have for my dad.

It's been a long road with a lot of empty spaces

My grandma's death was the last place we met.

It's now been 5 more years of silence

No merry Christmas happy birthday or congratulations on your graduation.

I've grown accustomed and comforted by the void.

I don't know if what i feel is anger or sadness

I take my feelings and push them far back to where my mind rarely goes.

Maybe when you pass away I'll long for the things i don't know.

I know my dad is not healthy he's had several strokes, heart attacks and health problems. I don't expect him to live for years and years to come. I feel like now is the time for me to just forgive and swallow my pride. But it's so hard to connect with a stranger; I don't know how to break down these walls and barriers that we both have. But I also don't want it to be too late…

I can come up with every excuse there is to not go to the gym…
No $money$ for membership, no car, there is a 24hr gym at the apartment complex I'm staying at but it's too cold and too far to walk… I went twice, but there was no bathroom! Lol I know these are just excuses. But I did find a middle ground, Comcast OnDemand! They have an exercise TV station with different workouts. It's actually been fun because I can switch it up and try different ones every day. So far I'm on day 2… but it's a start right?!

Another tool I have found is online ministry. For the last 2 Sundays I have been watching a live webcast of Word of Faith International Christian Center a church located in Southfield www.woficc.com it was recommended by a friend who is a member of the church. I REALLY like the sermon; Pastor Andre makes the sermon very interesting, adds personal stories and humor. And for those of you who know me, It's hard to keep my attention for long but seriously It's fun to watch I like it and most importantly I UNDERSTAND! I also like Joyce Meyer she has programs and information on her website as well www.joycemeyer.org

As for the Job front, I went to a promising interview last Wednesday it's for an internship. It offers little pay but lots of experience in the Journalism field and it's part-time so i can still get a second job. Keep me in your thoughts and prayers as I am hoping to hear back sometime this week. I also applied for a position with Oakland County in their community affairs department, this will pay extremely well! Just submitted the application today so it may be a minute if and when I do get a response.

That's just an update on me; let me know if you have any suggestions for me and if you know of any job openings.

Photo: Kyle Maynard an athlete born without arms and legs, if anyone had a valid excuse to not do something he would.
http://www.kyle-maynard.com/

2010 was a difficult year for me. I was kicked out of my house. Moved 1,000 miles away… I met great people but felt unappreciated. My Mom got married… which was a blessing for her but still an adjustment for me as I'm not really familiar with her husband. 3 young people I knew died in September and October. All my stuff was thrown away at my previous apartment because they thought I had vacated the premises. I lost a few friendships. In my job hunting I realized that your credit history is more important than your education and experience. I became carless, jobless and homeless… Now it's 2011 and I am ready to turn this around. I know that whatever I am dealing with right now I can overcome it. I am becoming rewritten.

This Blog is going to help me to accomplish my goals for 2011 which are also ways to improve myself.

 Goals

1. Health- I want to become and look more healthy
   
2. Faith- I want to establish a relationship with God and study the Bible
   
3. Job- I want to find a job, simply put but preferable, I want to find a career
   
4. Transportation- I want to find a car, cheap reliable transportation
   
5. Apartment- I want to find an apartment (first need a job)
   

 Life is not fair but God is just, He will make things right…

Corinthians 10:13

¹³For no temptation (no trial regarded as enticing to sin), [no matter how it comes or where it leads] has overtaken you and laid hold on you that is not common to man [that is, no temptation or trial has come to you that is beyond human resistance and that is not adjusted and
adapted and belonging to human experience, and such as man can bear]. But God is faithful [to His Word and to His compassionate nature], and He [can be trusted] not to let you be tempted and tried and assayed beyond your ability and strength of resistance and power to endure, but with the temptation He will [always] also provide the way out (the means of escape to a landing place), that you may be capable and strong and powerful to bear up under it patiently.