Forgiveness
11:09 AM
Lena
,
3 years old and without a dad never thinking you'll see him again young and confused not knowing what was going on all you had left were memories and photos that would lead you on years down the road your memories fade pictures become strangers and toys become anger why did he have to leave you then all alone and without a friend years later news spreads your dads living in an apartment 30 minutes away close to your grandmas where you always used to stay eleven years old thinking how could this be my dad's gone he left me you meet him and he begins to cry he's a stranger but he has your eyes you soon break down in tears thinking of the past and all the lost years i've learned forgiveness it makes me stronger and in the long run I have a father... This was a poem I wrote in middle school, when I finally found my father. Forgiveness… I ended the poem speaking of forgiveness and that I had forgave him. But I hadn't , I wanted to, I thought I could, but I'm 25 now and I still don't have a relationship with him. I can attest it to several things… I'm stubborn, I'm broken… Imagine having your heart broken when you were 3 years old it'll never be whole again because the one man that was never supposed to leave you… did! Then I feel anger because my father never looked for me, I searched for him, he never reached out to me, I reached for him. And the relationship that I tried to build back when I was 11 was only being built by me. How can you reminisce on the things you've never done? How can you hate someone that you never knew? How can you miss something that you never had? - Yet these are the feelings i have for my dad. It's been a long road with a lot of empty spaces My grandma's death was the last place we met. It's now been 5 more years of silence No merry Christmas happy birthday or congratulations on your graduation. I've grown accustomed and comforted by the void. I don't know if what i feel is anger or sadness I take my feelings and push them far back to where my mind rarely goes. Maybe when you pass away I'll long for the things i don't know. I know my dad is not healthy he's had several strokes, heart attacks and health problems. I don't expect him to live for years and years to come. I feel like now is the time for me to just forgive and swallow my pride. But it's so hard to connect with a stranger; I don't know how to break down these walls and barriers that we both have. But I also don't want it to be too late…
Love doesn't work only one way. Its very hard and sad for me to say this it could kill a part of your heart... and that kills a part of mine knowing you have to full that kinda hurt...... but maybe he just doesn't care to try and know you. There are different types of forgiveness. You forgive, make up and rekindle; you forgive never forget but work on what you have lost and learn new things about each other together; and then there is you forgive and move on knowing you tried (so you didn't fail, he failed you) and move on with your life. Making sure you have grown and learned from the mistakes of others when you were the victim of there bad decisions. Only you can make this choice but don't give your all to someone that wont give even a piece of shit to you. It doesn't make him a bad man or a evil man, but it makes him a failure, he failed at the easiest thing he ever had to do in life, love his own, his blood one of the most amazing mistakes he ever made. (We all know we were mistakes, don't get offended) ;) Don't make it your mistake. You were born beautiful, kind, TOO smart for your own good and full of love. When you were pushing all that hurt back you by accident push some of that love with it! Dug that shit out and use it. And remember most likely one day your gonna have an amazing beautiful SMART loving mistake and you can you all that energy on them. Don't waste what you have. I love you girl, you will make the right choice for you, i know you will!